"Baseball is as American as Apple Pie, Chevrolet and War"

I don't know about you, but I've had my thoughts on the most important subject facing this great nation—Opening Day! Hell, I didn't even know there was a war until ESPN ran a story that catcher Todd Greene had a relative who was a POW. At first, I thought POW was describing one of his home runs. But then I caught on.

After reviewing the facts, it's clear that Bush is only having this war to get our minds off his record -- the losing record of the Texas Rangers, the team he bought seasons ago. Mr. Bush, let me say that I find it troubling that you would needlessly kill men and women because you couldn't go out and get a decent lefthander. If Al Leiter would have known you were going to sink to this level I'm sure he would have waived his no-trade clause to appease your taste for pennant.

Regardless, Opening Day will go on, but not without acknowledging the troubled times we live in. Flags will fly at half-mast, twenty-one gun salutes will be heard and Saddam will still be rooting for the Braves on TBS. It's clear he's gonna get burned by picking Smoltz so high in our Fantasy Pool. How can you run a dictatorship when you can't even understand the simple concept of ERA? Look at his saves, he says! Look at how big his leads were, I say! That Saddam is so damn stubborn sometimes.

Anyway, as I wait for the first pitch to be thrown and the last bomb to be dropped, I'm reminded of the words of a long-lost poet, "If only they stopped serving beer after the fifth inning, then maybe we could watch a game in peace."

U.S. Soldiers teach Afghan children to play baseball.