Presents:
The
LostBrain/MLB
Steroid Auction*
Wow!
Now you, too, can own authentic MLB steroid
memorabilia
from your favorite Herculean baseball players!
The
same syringes, powders, pills, potions and body-warping
Tijuanan drugs that have helped your
beefcaked
baseball heroes obliterate slugging records and beat
their wives and/or girlfriends senseless can now be
yours!
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But
This Just Isn't Nerd-Impressing Memorabilia.
These
Products Can Help You, Too, Bulk Up Just in
Time for Next Year's Spring Training!
-
Share
the same needles that superstars like Cliff
Floyd, Barry Bonds, Bret Boone and Luis Gonzalez
have used to make millions of dollars!
-
Break
all of your slow-pitch softball league's
records!
-
Wow
coworkers with your incredible slurred speech
and your massive Cro-Magnon forehead!
Blame Your Sore Ass on Something Other than
a Night With Mike Piazza!
-
Hit
57 homeruns and have a breakout season with
the Arizona Diamondbacks!
-
Violently
Throttle the Asshole Behind the McDonalds
Counter that Fucked Up Your Order!
-
Show
your kids who's boss!
-
Look
Just Like Cattle!
-
Fail
to get an erection!
Be
a part of the revolution that BOTH Sports
Illustrated and ESPN call, "Frightening!"
and "Strangely Addictive!"
All
this without ever having to step foot into a Mexican
Farmacia!
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*
Portion of the proceeds will benefit American Cancer
Society!
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You
are bidding on this GREAT
two-part auction.
Be
a part of Barry Bonds'
chase of Hank Aaron's 755 all-time home runs record.
As
he inches closer and closer to immorality, now
you can own Barry Bonds' Autographed Syringe:
The
exact syringe he used to wallop 73 homers
last season!
This
is a one-of-a-kind! We only have 2,000 of these
left, so bid now!
(Caution:
Do not inject Bonds needle into skin. Will cause
disease.)
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PLUS!
If
you're the High Bidder on the Barry Bonds auction,
we'll throw in Ken Caminiti's Shrunken Genitalia!
Years
of roid abuse caused his testicles and penis
to fold up inside his body.
Once
they finally "dropped", he didn't need them
anymore.
Now
he's passing them on to you!
Update
(June 2, 2002): Genitalia slightly damaged
due to feline mishap:
Though
we were unable to extract the penis from the
cat (though we tried. Damnit we tried!) Caminiti's
genitals proved unsavory and are still relatively
intact.
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Please
take a look at our other exciting steroid auctions:
NOW
is YOUR chance to own BASEBALL HISTORY!
Don't Miss Out!
While
you're here, please sign our online petition
begging Cubs infielder Augie Ojeda to cycle steroids.
Shipping:
Winning bidder pays all shipping and handling fees,
$6.50 through U.S. Mail.
Add
$2.00 extra if you want products to delivered in Coleman
cooler.
Payment:
We only accept money orders or personal checks. Must
wait seven days for all checks to clear. Payment due with
one week of auction.
And
Please: SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY!
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