Pining for Mike

With Michael Jordan's retirement, many sports fans are left with a profound feeling of loss. As one sportswriter once said, ``he plays basketball better than anybody else has ever done anything.'' Here are a few things you can do as you mourn Jordan's departure:

	Go to your nearest gym and shoot free throws until you match Jordan's 32,292 career NBA points.
	Watch Mike's playoff heroics again and again on ESPN Classic. That sure beats seeing highlights of Chris Webber, Jayson Williams and Allen Iverson on Court TV.
	Stock up on Hanes underwear.
	Lobby the new Charlotte NBA franchise to name the team ``the Jordans.'' If that doesn't work, try again when the league expands to Baghdad.
	Attend local elementary school games in the hope of seeing the next "next Jordan."
	Embark on a pilgrimage to MJ's hometown of Wilmington, North Carolina, and of course, Amman, the capital of Jordan.
	Recruit investors to start a new ``senior'' professional basketball league for players over 40. It would be a natural for sponsors such as BenGay and Viagra.
	Place a $10,000 bet on a weekend golf game.
	Buy some new threads from the Jerry Krause collection.
	Attend a Birmingham Barons game to commemorate Jordan's 1994 stint in minor league baseball.
	Petition the U.S. government to change your Social Security number to 232-32-2323.
	Schedule paternity testing. You just might be the offspring of Jordan or the late Wilt Chamblerlain.
	Honor Mike's six NBA championship rings by having an extra finger surgically added to your left hand. And be sure to keep your head clean-shaven.
	Recreate Air Jordan's trademark dunks in your living room -- with a new SlamBall trampoline.
	Quit your job, move to Chicago, and a pitch a tent outside the United Center. You'll be sure to get great seats -- when MJ comes out of retirement again next year.

-Ted Allen